I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. I say invite T.! Hoshit, I missed the cleaning remark the first time. Also, Its not a a good time, I have boiling food/exploding children/a dog who is sick at both ends is an acceptable excuse. What was once acceptable dropping in randomly, a friendly chat over the mail, etc. i agree with a lot of what youre saying, being part of a group does not automatically mean that you are invited to all the things, that is very true. You can also drop a simple text letting him know you are looking forward to seeing him, to casually confirm the date ahead of time to ensure the plans are still on. But with this one friend, all you really need to know is what SHE prefers. Ill check in periodically through the week leading up to it checking on how his energy levels are looking so far and making sure his dad hasnt sprung something unexpectedly on him. It's not a good idea to let someone into your home until you really trust him. She almost immediately told me something along the lines of, "Great, when should we meet up at your house to play?" I have a completely different set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. How about the next weekend?. Yeah the idea of being judged for passing through and not stopping and diverting your route to go see someone every time? Yeah, thatd be fun!. I was expecting to catch up with my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover that he had several friends in tow. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. Even if Im entirely comfortable not being included in a particular plan, Ill feel uncomfortable saying things like that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out because Ill worry that the other person might think Im fishing for an invitation. Or you could be waiting on the porch/by the window and ready to go, since someones being nice enough to pick you up? I just feel like it's a bit rude without even asking N's mom to come over (We are still in high school, so we still live with parents) I would never want to interrupt anything N's mom has going on at her house that day. My friend was not receptive to this type of hang-out (she is the kind who shame-cleans SO HARD, so I think an unannounced visit is a tiny version of Hell for her). Tbh from what I see on YouTube, it's kind of normal to ask if you can come over to hang out. Your apartment is definitely not an option coz lets assume you have a roommate who probably doesnt feel great about it. It says a lot about Monica (and me) that this is the way she expresses both her care for her friends and her need to be seen as caring and we could all do a deep dive on the psychology of that if we wanted, but I dont think thats the point. What does the Bible say about a grandparent's role, and how can grandparents be a blessing to homeschoo but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. Its just no longer prudent to do so, unfortunately. At work. Real example: my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm with a bunch of party-people types who decided they were my BFFs (although I didnt much care for their company myself!) I guess I thought that since we already had plans to meet at his apartment, had sent an email, and could have come back later easily if when I arrived wasnt a good time for him, I didnt even think about it. I had thought about naked secrecy ( another poster), but he did shower at night as a rule. Secondly I don't think he would even look at you if he wouldn't like you. Organising the social lives of 6 year olds when you dont know the other parents is a pain. For me, the polite behavior for the person waiting for the ride is that they come out to the car with no prompting. If this were a healthy friendship, that would be fine. I dont tend to have long Facebook/text/IM chats with people, I use those things mostly to send direct invitations when Im making plans. No way. I'm trained as a counselor. One time she offered to help me pack for a camping trip with my friends that she wasnt even going on and only gave me 5 mins of advance notice. come on. To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: Much communication later, of course, things were happier. So I would say oh well Im free this afternoon too if you want to hang out actually no because reason OR that sounds like fun! the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday?. 2. But I care. I cant say whats objectively right, but I can say thatI think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. Kind of like enthusiastic consent enthusiastic social engagement invitations are not the same as passive or silent asset to host/ failure to resist a self-invitation. I never lived in those days. Methods of inviting people out You can invite people out face to face, over the phone, by texting, by email/app message, or through a chat window. My very best friends know I am a very messy person and in the past tried to convince me that they didnt care (but I care!). While I am still in the shower. I need you to help me fix it! Youve undoubtedly been in this position a few times before. Don't expect him to have everything you need. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. It hadnt occurred to me that it would come across that way, and Im sorry. Either way, the fact is that they arent making you a priority, so stop scanning no for signs and traces of a yes. If the plans have nothing to do with me at all I have no trouble listening in and being happy for people doing fun things. I had a hard time getting back into the workforce with a gap in my resume and have since earned two degrees (for a total of four, now) to make myself more marketable. I went to see my parents for the weekend and had a lovely time. Tip #2: Plan a Dinner Close to Home or at Your Home. Its not a thing where assumptions will actually pay off. Lets do this afternoon thing I want to do. I dont know if it was the same kind of thing for you, but my father and stepmother were always doing the Im going to ask you what sounds like a question but it really isnt and then shame you for failing to have manners I havent actually taught you and oh what an embarrassing child you are game. But with more scheduling and perhaps busier roads and less societal tolerance for kids walking somewhere by themselves, maybe the amount of arranging that a kid can take on at a given age and ability level has decreased. I was relieved when they moved out of state. Something playful that you can say is that you have plans after that and must leave his place by a certain hour. We had keys, together a year. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. Thank you! Yeah, eselle, this seems like the best compromise/solution. As to your otherquestion, about how you andother people in your life seem tointerpret time and intent differently around invitations,In the near future, Soon, Later,Sometime, all mean different things to different people, and this also varies widely as to region and culture. Like, dude. If you read, for instance, advice columns or domestic humor from eras and neighborhoods that did casual visits, youll find lots of stories of people turning the lights off and laying down on the floor to avoid visitors. All the needs to happen after that is showing up, right? But why do people think the fun event that X wasnt invited to attend is fun for them to hear about in any way at all? What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. Even if you're turned down, the hosts will appreciate the gesture. Yeah. I wouldnt feel weird discussing a one on one hangout around somebody else (So when Andrew and I were having dinner at Moose Hut) because to me, one on one hangouts are just that. I am still wondering if I have no manners, if my expectations are all screwed up, etc, but a counselor will hopefully help with that. It hasnt worked as well for me though. If you call him up a few hours before you want to hang out, he may say no due to prior plans or because his apartment is messy. 4. In that happy, low key tone, you could say something like: A broader issue in whether inviting yourself is okay is how much will people like your company once you're there? Im in the neighborhood. I wonder, and this is me being suspicious and on the lookout for odd behaviour as a profession, so I could be totally wrong and if so I apologize, but I wonder: If the intensity of his reaction has anything to do with the fact that he wasnt working, but instead naked. But usually those friends are limited to the small number of people who have seen me ugly cry. Based on his demeanor he is ready too but is probably too shy to ask you over. It makes me feel good. Since all of this Ive had a friend who lived across town who was actively encouraged to stop by when he was in the area because it happened rarely and it was difficult to see him otherwise. People who drop by are unlikely to find me conscious or appropriately dressed. If its someone I havent seen in a while who is finally back in town and a surprise its both good and bad. I felt like this was sort of a default thing that everyone did until I met a friend of a friend and we became semi-close. Ragey is about right! You preference is not a moral standing. Company are the ones who cant, and therefore shouldnt show up early. Like if they would call/text and say Hey, were in your area today. Similarly, if a bunch of friends meet every weekend to take part in some group activity, there may be an unspoken invitation that anyone who's interested in the same thing is welcome to come along and join in. *deep breaths* Without any advance notice to me, he would often invite along one or two other friends (of his, not mine). When I was a wee child, my family was visiting with another family, and when my parents were ready to leave, they went around and asked each kid if we wanted to leave or stay and keep playing. But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. Im OK with very close friends dropping in on short notice, but Im put off by no notice Ive had friends turn up when I was sleeping before and it wasnt much fun. He won't necessarily have a good conversation starter at the top of his mind or really know what to say to you. Lets say you were completely wrong when you showed off your new bicycle, and lets say your friend told you so. than be the person at the event where people are grousing Why is she here?/Who invited her?/Nobody did, she just invited herself!. (For values of we meaning the people of my generation that I know. Its not that different. You can get them pumped about hosting you by talking about all the fun times ahead, like board games, movie nights and backyard barbecues. Others covered a lot of this for me already, but the short answer is that at 7 and with autism, my son is really, really not ready to be placed in charge of inviting his friend over. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Im just generally a slightly messy, cluttered person. And maybe its just me, but honestly? Ive never considered this dilemma from this particular angle (already doing something vs. not doing something). Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. A free guide to getting past social awkwardness, you're not sure if people are really interested in being friends with you or not. A group of friends may be totally open to new people joining them, but are so close with each other they unintentionally give off an air of being exclusive. I like your suggestions about neutral spaces too, will definitely use that in future. With these, its not just about manners, and ways that those diverge, but about where the relationship is, and people having different ideas of that, and also about people having different feelings about what solidity of relationship allows what sort of casual space-sharing. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. Who DOES this? We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. I used to live in a basement apartment. Another general suggestion for times when you are trying to invite yourself over is _never_ assume youre dropping by their space, always ask. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. I would suggest you ask in a casual, friendly, "no pressure" tone. I would definitely be shame-cleaning my bedroom if I was anticipating having someone in it, but the rest of the house its just cleaning. Girl, if cooking is one of your love languages then there is no better way to show him you care by making a delicious home-cooked meal. So many different points of view in the comments! I was recently called out for inviting myself over to my friends home to show off my new bike. I hold the one doing the rejecting responsible for being clear. I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. Just Im coming over to do/help with/talk about x,y, and z. and Id have to scramble for an excuse. He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. This thread has actually helped ease my guilt about not liking spur-of-the-moment visitors, even if these visitors are friends of mine. All the adults in the household work full time, they have kids, they have pets, they have physical disabilities couple any one of those with feelings of shame over a cluttered or messy living space, and youre there. No doesnt mean I hate you or You have bungled this invitation horribly, it just means they dont want to hang out with you right then, so, move on and dont try to solve no equations for yes.. There was often a pattern where Kid One would ask permission to invite Kid Two over, their grownups would give permission, the kid would do the actual inviting, Kid Two would ask their grownups for permission, Kid Twos grownups would only give permission if they were able to give Kid Two a ride if needed, and then Kid Two would accept the invitation and visit Kid One. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. I also feel discomfort from the other side, when Im the person who could have conceivably been involved but am not. It was really bad in the dorms in college, but w/ the phone/texts, some of my people still get a little shirty about it when I just turn my phone off so I can have some peace and quiet and eliminate temptation to putz around on apps for no reason. Ive had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized life because lets just say. I cant necessarily see people driving up unless Im perched really awkwardly by one particular window (and not out on the porch because then there are hedges in the way), and if I dont know what their car looks like anyway it doesnt help. Not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends is not the same thing as nobody is comfortable with being brutally honest with friends and you cant ever ask your friends to BE honest because obviously theyd find that uncomfortable, and you should just LEARN. Then she would get an answer thats specific to her local culture. Whereas I would be absolutely fine with a call or a text from the driveway but ringing my bell without warning runs the risk of sending me into an anxiety spin. It wasnt always this way. Since then, I always ask my family if they want me to come or us both if theyre not clear about it. One guy showed up with his brother, cooked one meal, and then they sat on their butts and didnt lift a finger for five goddamn days while partner and I did all of the cooking, cleaning and tidying. It works well in less formal situations, whether you know someone well or not, you can use these questions to make an invitation: Are you free to? Oh, and I forgot to add: people who live in a way where they have to clean for hours just to have people over? Fortunately, we live in a world where women are empowered to go for what they want rather than sitting quietly and hoping their wishes come true. Architecture and city planning has a lot to do with it; I cant imagine it happening in suburbs where houses are widely-spaced and hard to travel between. Sounds like something Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory would do. I cant always do everything with all the family. Usually when Ive asked for clarification about why a relationship is changing, the answer Ive gotten has been, Because of AMBIGUOUS FEELINGS, stop asking and leave me alone, sometimes with a helping of, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. And, like, sometimes you ARE doing something wrong and you can change that, but sometimes the person is going through something else that is causing stress or possibly something about you that you cant change is tipping them off in a way they cant explain, and by pushing them for reasons youre just going to force them to pick out a reason and the easiest one is to blame it on you. Also, I love the distinction of Ask v. Guess (and boy does that explain some things about my boss). I personally find it sad, as so many times the reason for wanting to end a friendship is based on miscommunications that were left to fester until the only thing left to do is demote the other person to an outer circle, or cut them out of ones life altogether. My neighbour especially has people just wandering in and tapping at her kitchen window or joining the party on the stoop. Do they really need to get out of the car in these conditions because of your preferences? My son, who is 7, has a best friend at school that he adores. I mean, sure, some people might, if theyre really nice and interested in pretty much everything. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. I care a *lot*, because having my mother constantly belittle me, my housekeeping skills and my space whenever she visits makes my home feel not like a safe space. So for me, personally, its only come to my house if you have *asked to come and been told yes* and have given us a reasonable amount of notice, or if you have been explicitly invited. People have different friend relationships, different notions of what is appropriate at work, and different touch boundaries. I had to talk to my best friend gently about that. 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