boyfriend stopped trying

All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. People arent all good or all bad, but its okay to leave a good person if theyre treating you badly. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. Go to a concert and it doesnt have to be Jay-Z and Beyonce. I will always be a survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. He didnt like how I looked, how I liked to dress, how I acted or thought or analyzed media. Your email address will not be published. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. How much cleaning does HE do? Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? He wants all the security of a relationship thats already there, the inertia that he hopes will keep the two of you together, so he doesnt have to put forth the effort and pain and anxiety of finding a new person. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Is exercise great for depression? Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. Why would they do that to me?. Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. and it helped him maintain his desired weight/made him feel good and he thought it was delish so it meant that I should. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. okay you have got a lot of permission to dump comments here and I dont want to dismiss what other people read in your letter but offer another perspective. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) Something that I tried with my own Helper from several years ago I took him with me to a therapist appointment. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. Yeah. Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. This is another clue that the boyfriend isnt all that invested in the LWs progress toward real, positive change. At the beginning of the relationship were they curious if you were hanging out with other guys vs. just girls? It was tough (and frankly weird) for a bit, but he stopped and were fine. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. Or maybe, like so many men, he just expects the woman to do most of the housework. You can also go to the civil route and try and sue him for it since it is in your name and belongs to you. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. Why cant you choose your own challenges and adventures? Let him know youre concerned and explain why. I saw progress though, and it made it easier to wade though until it was resolved. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). Because I didn't have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them). Telling me how logical he is. (and having dated somebody like LWs partner in the past when I was severely depressive I really kind of just want to SHOOT HIM.). There's no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. One of my partners was doing something like this for a spell there. Is he happy? My partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and anxiety, and sometimes I act as her monitor/coach/support person in some ways. That looks like progress to me. Then willingly, because I knew tea came in a lot of flavors. Just as your spouse needs time to heal from their alcohol addiction, you also need time to recover from the emotional and mental traumas of addiction. No one can acknowledge it exists. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. And also we tend to be very keen for love and approval and so when we seem to get it in the form of someone else picking us to be their lover its a really heady thing. I think this list is a great idea! Up until that point, I was always going to fail because a part of me didnt really want to quit. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). At all. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Its hard to cuddle with someone you just arent connected to. 2. . I dont need you to be my therapist, dude, I need you to be my lover and my supporter and my friend. When Dad was having a pity party, I flat out told him that he had driven her away with his constant controlling and put downs. Like, no. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. Kindness. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. This is not one of them. Ive been gone for a week, and Im not going to believe you if you tell me you ate healthy isnt about keeping score at all. I cannot get out of bed. And thats okay, too. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. I did not in fact give up he left me. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? It sounds as though its not simply a case of dump him, because that can be hard, especially when youre trying to sustain a healing process. Id run away and never read Captain Awkward again, probably, with my Jerkbrain cackling in the background gleefully. Thank you for getting me out of the house!. short and sweet? Maybe not just the you he wants to make you into, but also the him who is Cool and Helpful and Makes Things Better so he doesnt want to accept that what hes doing is hurting you, because thatd mean hes not Cool or Helpful or Making Things Better and hasnt been for a while. Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. Because my fianc and I worked things out and are in a good place now, I am hesitant to just say ~DTMF~, but your boyfriend needs to realize that monitoring someone elses habits (even your eating habits!) One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. What Im getting at is its shitty when my father does this crap to me, its extra double wow shitty if your partner does that to you. Wow, boyfriend is definitely being the jerk here. And should usually comes from a not so great place. When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. Giving him space will also give you the opportunity to make him miss you and see how much value you add to his life. When i try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn`t move and it`s like stuck. Or something like that, anyway. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. Only I was the fixer, always trying to give my boyfriend helpful advice about how hes doing everything wrong and hed be so much healthier and happier if only hed go to bed earlier, eat more veggies, and agree with me about more stuff. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. Im rooting for you, LW, because this was one of the toughest ongoing issues in our relationship for a while, and I had to show him that what works as treatment for some people cant be applied to everyone broadly and without that persons permission. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. For both parties to be my therapist, dude, I was always going fail. Partner of 3 1/2 years has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies asking me these questions in person being! & # x27 ; t tell him I already did, he tells that. 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